Adoption and running - Episode 6
Series One - Why Run? podcast - 27th April 2022
At school, Denise enjoyed sport, particularly sprinting and netball, but didn’t start running until her friend needed a running companion to help her train for events. Denise obliged and has kept running from there. She set herself targets like 10Ks and eventually did a marathon with a group of friends that she met up regularly with on a Sunday morning. Until then, running was never something Denise considered doing. “You just didn’t see people out running” But once she started, Denise loved it.
“I loved the freedom, the fact that I was my own boss and could run when it suited me. I liked the incremental gains and got a real buzz from the transition of running tentatively on a treadmill in a gym to running outside.”
Over the last ten years, a lot has changed in Denise’s life. The main thing being parenthood and becoming a mum. “I’ve always been fiercely independent and I made a decision to be a parent as single person and adopted my son when he was three years old. He’s now 11 and a half.”
When you adopt a child you go through a huge amount of checks, which require a lot of soul-searching. “You’ve got to really ask yourself if you’re ready and yet, you can’t really answer that, as you never know what your child will have been through.
As an incredibly independent person, Denise had to learn really quickly how to reach out for help. “Adoptive children don’t fit the mould (in huge inverted commas) of how children are supposed to behave. You, as a parent, have to be prepared to shoulder that and support them. Your role as an adoptive parent can be incredibly challenging, but also incredibly rewarding.”
“It was a massive handbrake turn,” for Denise becoming an adoptive parent. “I went from being a person on her own, doing her own thing, calling her own shots, to having another person with a huge set of issues that I had to contend with.”
Denise says that her son was “ already a fully-formed individual”, when she adopted him. “There’s a perception that adoptive children come very young – like a blank sheet – and that just isn’t the case. There are very few babes-in-arms available for adoption, it’s just not that common. Children will have been through separation and trauma attached to that and that’s a hard thing for anyone to deal with. But we’re good. He’s am amazing boy and I don’t know what my life was like before I was his mum. It’s a completely different life.”
When Denise first adopted her son, there wasn’t time to run.“Running is an emotional support, but at that time, my mind didn’t have bandwidth to do anything other than focusing upon what was in front of me. It was good few years into us forming a family before I could restart running. When I felt I could run round block if he was at a birthday party or leave him for an hour if he was at a sleepover – which didn’t happen for a long time before as a family we weren’t ready to do that – then I would use the time to go for a run.”
Denise inched very gently into reconnecting with running again. “And once I started, I realised how much I’d missed it and started craving it again. I realised how much it meant to me.
“It’s about being outdoors and having that space to set my own agenda. I would replay conversations or think about how I would approach a situation that would be happening later in the day. It became a really much needed avenue for me to be able to do that, although it took a while to get into rhythm.
“It’s only recently that I’ve been able to run for longer periods of time. As we’ve grown as a family, my son’s recognised that running is important to me, it’s my happy place. It’s part of who we are now.”
Lockdown was particularly crazy for Denise. At the start of early 2021, she had surgery on her foot and was on crutches when everyone went into lockdown. “I couldn’t go anywhere, but noticed so many more people out running and thought, ‘I need to be doing that’.” Post-surgery, little goals and targets became really important for Denise
During lockdown, Denise’s friend Tasha set up Black Girls Do Run UK (BGDRUK). A group of 8-10 women in the North West London region (there are other groups across London and elsewhere) supported each other and in April 2021, ran a virtual half marathon together. “We have an active What’s App group and share runs and posts with each other and we get together periodically. We’re all different levels, but join some races together. We look out for each other and it’s great to have that support.”
As a single parent, working from home during lockdown, Denise’s world felt very narrow.
“Interaction vanished, so having the (BGDRUK) virtual group was a massive boost for me. I don’t think I realised how important it was to me at the time, but I don’t think I’d have entered races or put myself through those challenges if I hadn’t got other women doing same thing. It made a huge difference. It made me feel so much more connected. Some of the other women in the group are single carers, or work with children . We all share different elements of ourselves, but what unites us, is getting out there and our love of running.
Denise says, there’s a lot of give and take in her family. She says there are times when her son needs her and doesn’t want her to run, which is fine, but “there’s also moments when you need to find something you can hold on to that anchors you - and for me - running has been that.”
Denise says that the last two years have been a “crazy period” for her. “There were lots of things happening at the same time as the menopause decided to kick in . I’m now coming up to 54, but things really started happening around 49-50. ‘Here we go’, I thought, as I could feel the emotional toil it had on my instantly. I’ve always been someone who is measured in my approach and how I sit with things. But I just couldn’t deal with things. My mind was completely foggy. I couldn’t emotionally hold on to anything at all. It was like I was struggling to get a grip.”
This coincided with lockdown and children being home-schooled. “Children being out of school will be a lot spoken about for many years to come. But for someone who is a looked after child and craves certainty,” lockdown caused massive disruption and uncertainty for Denise’s son.
“It had a huge, huge impact upon my son – which we’re still dealing with actually. It caused a lot of upset and uproar. That would be fine if you were dealing with it with a full emotional deck, but if you’re already feeling a little bit worn down and not operating at full tilt that was incredibly difficult”.
“That physical release, that I was able to experience when I ran, was invaluable. I was not necessarily running as far or as fast or doing anything at the level of intensity that I had done – but carving out moments of time to go for a run, was a massive, massive help for me. There were moments when it was almost as though I couldn’t see straight. I was so overwhelmed with stuff going on…and running allowed me some space...to breathe again.”
Things are a lot more settled now and Denise has lots of other things in place to help her. “Connecting with people running has been a big part of that
“I do see and acknowledge how important having that moment of mental clarity for 15 mins at best has been for me. Having moments for myself, really really helped my menopause symptoms physically and emotionally…but also with all the other stuff that was swimming around too. really benefited from it.
“I know not all people feel same. Putting yourself through something that is physically difficult may not seem like a remedy, but actually, it’s a reminder that we’re capable of doing hard things, but also, that we need to look after ourselves. And that was the message that kept coming back to me every time I went for a run. That it was important to be looking after myself.
“The menopause symptoms are now under control and I’m sleeping. I didn’t have a good night’s sleep for a year. I was just not able to close my eyes. Sleep deprived and on edge is not the best way to tackle any day, but especially one that is going to be coming with a whole set of challenges that you have no idea how you’re meant to be dealing with.”
Denise has now started taking HRT which has really helped her and given her room to sleep at night and helped check her mood swings.
When asked for advice for potential adoptive parents, Denise says that everyone approaches the idea for different reasons. “I wasn’t in a steady relationship . I think if you’ve got room in your heart to even consider what you could give as a parent, then its definitely worth considering.
“Adoption comes with its own challenges and those will be different for each child, based upon the child you parent. When going through the adoption process, you look through a catalogue of children – it’s almost like an Argos catalogue of children – all who’ve been through these awful experiences that you’ve really no idea how you’d deal with. And one…or two…or whatever… will jump out at you. And when they do, you absolutely know it. I remember seeing my son’s pic and just knowing he was going to be my son. It was really difficult coming away from that feeling. It came so strongly, that I had to honour it.
“What I would say to anyone considering adoption is to trust your feelings – whatever path that takes you on – because they invariably will be right. Know that it will be hard, and get your support network sorted. Have in your mind who you would ask for the different types of things that you’ll need. Who would you go to just to rant at? Who would you go to for the practical help me out now support? Who would you go to for parenting advice about schools? You’ll have different people you turn to for those issues – not just one. Sometimes it’ll just be the person you can go for a glass of wine with and not talk about children at all. That’ll really help you out. But be prepared to ask for help and be willing to accept it. I’m a single carer, but I’m not a single parent. I’ve learnt to ask for help.
When asked to advise would be runners, Denise said: “Those thinking about running should start small and you should set your own private goal. Couch to 5k is a great programme ,but might be you just want to jog for a minute. So set your own private goal and build up gradually. Don’t need to have all the kit. You just need to realise there are so many other beginners out there – nobody’s looking for you to set any records. Set your own goal and work slowly and you never know where it might lead you.
“For me, running is about space for me to think and reflect and process what is going on in a really crazy life. I think it’s finding that moment in the day to just look after myself mentally and physically. There are other ways that other people choose to do it, but for me running, being able to move, being outdoors, being able to really appreciate what my body can do, and allowing myself that space to just reflect is just a massive, massive help for me and running gives me that”.