Breakdown and running - Episode 8

Series One - Why Run? podcast - 14th May 2022

Trigger warning - please note that there are references to suicide in this interview.

Karen is a secondary school English and performing arts teacher. She is one of the brightest, funniest people you could hope to meet and her next plan in life is to have a go at stand-up comedy. In-between Karen’s extended periods of highs in her life, she has also experienced some very low lows. For Karen has struggled with depression and anxiety throughout her adult life and has had several breakdowns.

 Karen started running as a teenager and has run consistently for the last 40 years. For her, it is a way of helping process the anxiety, the anger and frustration that are part of her mental struggles. It quite literally helps her to burn away the excess adrenalin that contributes to her anxiety.

 Karen’s life is one of extreme emotions and she says she wouldn’t want it any different – for if she lost the low moments of despair, she would also lose the high moments of joy too.

“ I was a worrier as a child,” says Karen. “Being an only child, I had a lot of older, doting relatives. I grew up in very protective environment. As a five year old, my friend remembers me always crying.”

Karen knew she was a worrier. And events reached a head, when went to uni and met Sohrab (her husband).

“We were going out and he went home to Iran in 1979 which was, of course, the time of the revolution. Pre-mobile phones, I realise now that I had what was a sort of breakdown. I was worried sick. Obsessed that he was killed. It was typical of depression and a breakdown, getting everything out of proportion…making ridiculous assumptions. Things settled down though when I went to university.

“My second breakdown was when I had my son. It was such a happy pregnancy, he was such a wanted child. And when he was born, it was classic post -natal depression. It was like the whole world fell in.  That ticked away until he was about 18 months and then I just crashed and I was sectioned. So spent about four weeks in psychiatric units.”

Karen was sectioned and spent time in hospital and has been on anti-depressants ever since. “Quite a high dosage actually. So I feel that they’re probably always shielding what’s actually going on. I don’t really know, but I don’t really care as I know I can’t function when I’m ill.”

Karen started running in her teens. She was a county athlete. She started running again in her early 20s and has kept running ever since. Going for a run “resets everything” for Karen.

“Even if when I set off, I feel I’ve got worries or am in a low mood, which still happens, even on all these anti-depressants…once I’ve set off running, I very rarely think of that again.”

A psychiatrist once described it to Karen as “fight or flight”. “He said that what was happening to me when I’d wake up so anxious was that I was waking up with a gripping fear – without knowing what I was frightened of.”

By going for a run, Karen quite literally runs away from her fear and it helps burn off the adrenaline that is causing her anxiety.

Karen can be quite an angry runner and she’s been known to swear at people. “ I think I enjoy that,” she says.

 When asked to describe her mental difficulties, she says that when she’s very, very, very ill, she can’t run, because she gets too anxious and quite agoraphobic. “But that’s not happened very much.”

 Karen says she finds it incredibly difficult to describe her depression, anxiety and breakdowns. She said that she’s read Sylvia Plath’s “The Bell Jar” and she gets what she’s trying to say, but she still doesn’t think she’s quite got it. “Although I also say to people that everybody’s breakdown is different and everybody’s depression is different.

 “I obsess about death and I find myself thinking about death several times a day – the fear of my own death or my children. I count off how many years I’ve got left and it’s a constant obsession and definitely something that pulls me down. It is a constant worry in the back of my mind.

“You can’t switch off. It’s like a physical feeling.”

As she’s got older, Karen says that she’s got better at getting herself out of bad episodes. “I’ve made my bedroom in to a second sitting room and it’s got a television and if things are getting to me, I just take myself away and sit by myself.”

Karen also indulges herself more. “I grew up in an environment where it was almost a bad thing to enjoy yourself or do something for yourself. My mum was like ‘you’re always going out’ like it was something bad. My mother didn’t understand mental illness at all – poor woman – with me and my dad – and she was obsessed with doing housework. So the idea that you’d sit and read or book or something – was an indulgence.

 “Well now I’m trying to turn that around and think actually, why can’t I just indulge myself whenever I want?”

Karen says that she wouldn’t want to be anyone different as her tendencies to depression and anxiety are partly what define her. She says it’s part of what makes a very competitive, loud person. When she retires, Karen wants to do a stand-up act. “It’s something that’s really important to me. I like being on stage. I’m a performing arts teacher. I like acting. I’m really loud. And I don’t think I’d have all of that, if I didn’t have this other side to me. It would be a bit bland.”

Karen says that running has been a stabilising influence in her life and would encourage others to give it a go. “Interestingly my psychiatrist runs. And he would almost prescribe it. It’s just so important to keep moving…even if you’re not running…to keep walking…getting out. And I did feel in lockdown on those days when I was just sitting on screen for hours on end and I’d feel like a lethargic slug by the end of the day. Because you’d be stuck in this position .

“I think people are designed to move. Our lifestyle isn’t really normal for any animal – unless you’re a sloth – it’s not what we’re designed for. So I suspect running is a way of replacing that movement that we used to have in our lives.”

Depression and running - Episode 2

Series One - Why Run? podcast - 14 March 2022

Trigger warning - please note that there are references to suicide in this interview.

Dan is an only child and grew up in a secure home with loving parents. Yet from a very young age, he says that he had quite a negative outlook on the world - particularly on himself.  At school he was bullied for not fitting in and he avoided sport,  preferring to focus on his academic work. 

Dan started to find himself at uni where he made friends in his halls, got a job at KFC and met a girlfriend.  “It was good to get out and meet new people.” The downside was that he graduated with a lower degree than he had hoped for, which restricted his future job prospects.  

Back home with his parents after uni, having split up with his girlfriend and unable to find work, Dan sunk in to a deep depression. “That’s where it all went wrong," he says. The year was 2011, the height of austerity, and Dan found the process of applying for jobs deeply upsetting and dehumanising. Often he came away from his fortnightly interviews at the Job Centre in tears. 

‘If you’ve ever been unemployed you’re applying for everything to be fair. I don’t think (people) realise how much of an identity a job gives you and how much not having one takes it away.”

Eventually Dan went to the doctor and was put on antidepressants. Over time, Dan’s medication was changed, increased and he says the medication helped numb the worst of his feelings some of the time, but they didn't make him feel happy.  Dan explains that: “I’ve learnt on my mental health journey that only I can do that."

Dan had always thought he wanted to be a solicitor, but starting a legal practice course in London and leaving home was the lowest point in his life. Other students seemed to have contracts lined up and, already depressed, he found it difficult to connect with others. '“It just wasn't happening for me.” Dan seriously considered suicide and had a letter written for a long time.  

“I took quite a practical approach to the matter. In terms of if I was going to do it, I was going to get it done.  I couldn’t imagine having to deal with life after a failed attempt. I know it shouldn’t be a stigma, but at the time you’re in a different head space. It was a very difficult time.” 

 In 2013, Dan got a job at an insurance company and life began to improve for him. The salary was more than he expected,  he felt better having structure in his life.Dan's first run was a charity event organised at his work in aid of St Michael's Hospice. He  raised £200, enjoyed the experience and felt a real sense of achievement - something that has been key in helping improve Dan's mental state. 

Life began to feel better for Dan. He made friends at work, started to develop a social life and got positive feedback in his job and a pay rise, improving his self worth. For the first time he felt able to open up to one of his closest friends about his depression and, as a result, then had the confidence to talk to his parents too. 

CBT through work was 'intense' but it really helped Dan to challenge his negative thoughts. “If you go in with a core belief that you're useless and then talk about how you've achieved this and that, you find yourself losing your own argument.”

 On a work night out at Christmas, Dan agreed with the charity person there  to do the London Marathon but never having run much before, hadn't properly considered the distance. He got injured en route but still completed the race. 

Dan then got involved with Tough Mudders - a challenge that is far less about individual success than team work and camaraderie. “I love it, because you can run along with people, help them and talk to them along the way.”

Through his running, Dan has displayed a real mental strength and determination. He admits he's quite an extreme person, but loves the thrill of completing events - particularly ultra events that others would struggle to finish. 

Having something to focus on has been key in Dan's mental health recovery and management. “It seems to be one of the key things for me. With depression, I spent hours lying in bed hoping it would go away, but it doesn't and life just becomes more difficult.” Dan has realised that has his depression has no one specific factor, he needs to develop his own self care. 

“I still have periods when I get down. But I tell myself, ‘I have to do this’. I've learnt I have to set my own goals. I have to have something to work towards.” 

 Dan also derives satisfaction from helping others train for events and is now a mental health ambassador at work. “I really like seeing other people go for their goals. To a certain degree, seeing someone else earn a medal nowadays and knowing I tried to help them achieve it. makes me feel just as good as if I earned it myself.” 

 Dan says that he it’s really important to know where you are on the continuum of mental health. Some days, he’s just not up to running, but going for a walk or having a change of scene are just as important. There were large sections of lockdown when Dan didn’t want to do anything but he forced himself to, as he knows being active is vital for his mental health.