Depression and running - Episode 2

Series One - Why Run? podcast - 14 March 2022

Trigger warning - please note that there are references to suicide in this interview.

Dan is an only child and grew up in a secure home with loving parents. Yet from a very young age, he says that he had quite a negative outlook on the world - particularly on himself.  At school he was bullied for not fitting in and he avoided sport,  preferring to focus on his academic work. 

Dan started to find himself at uni where he made friends in his halls, got a job at KFC and met a girlfriend.  “It was good to get out and meet new people.” The downside was that he graduated with a lower degree than he had hoped for, which restricted his future job prospects.  

Back home with his parents after uni, having split up with his girlfriend and unable to find work, Dan sunk in to a deep depression. “That’s where it all went wrong," he says. The year was 2011, the height of austerity, and Dan found the process of applying for jobs deeply upsetting and dehumanising. Often he came away from his fortnightly interviews at the Job Centre in tears. 

‘If you’ve ever been unemployed you’re applying for everything to be fair. I don’t think (people) realise how much of an identity a job gives you and how much not having one takes it away.”

Eventually Dan went to the doctor and was put on antidepressants. Over time, Dan’s medication was changed, increased and he says the medication helped numb the worst of his feelings some of the time, but they didn't make him feel happy.  Dan explains that: “I’ve learnt on my mental health journey that only I can do that."

Dan had always thought he wanted to be a solicitor, but starting a legal practice course in London and leaving home was the lowest point in his life. Other students seemed to have contracts lined up and, already depressed, he found it difficult to connect with others. '“It just wasn't happening for me.” Dan seriously considered suicide and had a letter written for a long time.  

“I took quite a practical approach to the matter. In terms of if I was going to do it, I was going to get it done.  I couldn’t imagine having to deal with life after a failed attempt. I know it shouldn’t be a stigma, but at the time you’re in a different head space. It was a very difficult time.” 

 In 2013, Dan got a job at an insurance company and life began to improve for him. The salary was more than he expected,  he felt better having structure in his life.Dan's first run was a charity event organised at his work in aid of St Michael's Hospice. He  raised £200, enjoyed the experience and felt a real sense of achievement - something that has been key in helping improve Dan's mental state. 

Life began to feel better for Dan. He made friends at work, started to develop a social life and got positive feedback in his job and a pay rise, improving his self worth. For the first time he felt able to open up to one of his closest friends about his depression and, as a result, then had the confidence to talk to his parents too. 

CBT through work was 'intense' but it really helped Dan to challenge his negative thoughts. “If you go in with a core belief that you're useless and then talk about how you've achieved this and that, you find yourself losing your own argument.”

 On a work night out at Christmas, Dan agreed with the charity person there  to do the London Marathon but never having run much before, hadn't properly considered the distance. He got injured en route but still completed the race. 

Dan then got involved with Tough Mudders - a challenge that is far less about individual success than team work and camaraderie. “I love it, because you can run along with people, help them and talk to them along the way.”

Through his running, Dan has displayed a real mental strength and determination. He admits he's quite an extreme person, but loves the thrill of completing events - particularly ultra events that others would struggle to finish. 

Having something to focus on has been key in Dan's mental health recovery and management. “It seems to be one of the key things for me. With depression, I spent hours lying in bed hoping it would go away, but it doesn't and life just becomes more difficult.” Dan has realised that has his depression has no one specific factor, he needs to develop his own self care. 

“I still have periods when I get down. But I tell myself, ‘I have to do this’. I've learnt I have to set my own goals. I have to have something to work towards.” 

 Dan also derives satisfaction from helping others train for events and is now a mental health ambassador at work. “I really like seeing other people go for their goals. To a certain degree, seeing someone else earn a medal nowadays and knowing I tried to help them achieve it. makes me feel just as good as if I earned it myself.” 

 Dan says that he it’s really important to know where you are on the continuum of mental health. Some days, he’s just not up to running, but going for a walk or having a change of scene are just as important. There were large sections of lockdown when Dan didn’t want to do anything but he forced himself to, as he knows being active is vital for his mental health.