Post-traumatic stress and running - Episode 4
Series One - Why Run? podcast - 30 March 2022
On 11th October 2015, Tracey Hanson’s life was changed forever in a split second when her 21-year-old son Josh was killed in a knife attack. “You go into profound shock when you are given such life-changing news and I went in to survival mode,” explains Tracey. “To be told that my son had been murdered in an unprovoked attack…nothing can prepare you.”
From that moment on, everything about Tracey changed. “The Tracey up to the early hours of that morning was one person and here I am today…another person.”
Tracey has done a lot of research about what happens to you and how the brain processes such a traumatic event. “It’s quite astounding really, how much the brain can put up with.”
Shortly after Josh’s murder, Tracey set up the Josh Hanson Trust to bring his killer to trial as he escaped to Europe to avoid prosecution. It took four years to finally bring him to justice.
Over the last six years, Tracey has been awarded a master’s degree in criminology; has learnt a great deal about the criminal justice system; and about services that are available for victims to help them recover and move forward with their lives. “To say I was shocked at how little is available, would be an understatement,” says Tracey.
Tracey has had a lot of trauma in her life: from childhood; from failed relationships; from divorce; and from her losing home. One of the impacts of this trauma upon Tracey is that she’s hyper-vigilant. This means if she’s walking down the road, she can react really extremely and nervously to the sound of a pigeon in a tree or a loud car passing. “Anxiety plays a massive part in my life,’ says Tracey. “If you’ve experienced trauma, it’s quite common to feel as though everything around you is chaotic – as this is what is going on in your brain. The thing to remember though is that in this situation, it is completely normal to have these feelings.”
Tracey also suffers from binge-eating disorder, which is a common by-product of trauma. “I’d come home after a long day and have – almost a ritual – with lots of sweets and goodies to reward myself for getting through another day. I’ve been so up and down with those challenges.”
Currently Tracey is doing her best to stay on an even keel and follow healthier choices, that she knows are much better for her and make her feel better. “But it’s really difficult sometimes.”
Tracey first got in to running after her divorce, when a friend introduced her to the Couchto5k app. She decided to give it a go, but was very embarrassed and lacked confidence. Through running though, Tracey became a different person and went on to run a 10k, then a half marathon and then the London Marathon.
After Josh was killed, Tracey was too traumatised to return to running and instead found some solice, over time, in drawing and painting. They became her new coping mechanisms.
Eighteen months ago, Tracey returned to running again, although she prefers to call it jogging. She says, she knows speed walkers who go quicker than her when she’s jogging and “I’m proud of that!” she laughs.
It has not been easy for her. Tracey has found it really difficult due to her hyper-vigilance, anxiety and binge eating disorder, which has weakened her immune system.
She has now adopted an auto-immune diet and is away from junk food – both of which have helped. Tracey has less pain, more clarity and has a new dream – to re-enter the London Marathon – which she has applied for.
“If you put one foot in front of other… physically and metaphorically you can recover,” says Tracey. “Even saying those words 18 months ago, I wouldn’t have said them with conviction and I’d have felt way too guilty and would only be saying them to inspire others.
“Jogging is empowerment, it’s freedom and it costs nothing. People need to get hold of belief system that you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it. It’s about little achievements..one step at a time. Jogging is such a freeing way to process negative thoughts, anxiety,’ explains Tracey.
Running, healthy eating, art, painting and drawing are all really positive things that Tracey implements into her life and she’s hoping that now – after six years – she is finally turning a corner.
She admits too though, that another part of her doesn’t want to turn that corner as it will mean taking back more of the Tracey she was before Josh’s loss. It comes with a lot of guilt.
“I can’t change the reality of what happened to Josh, so I’d rather talk about how we can all be healthier. Running, resilience, physical activity and art are all close to my heart.”