Running…while my son is on chemo

Ep6, S2 - Why Run? podcast - 16 January 2023

At the end of 2021, life took a dramatic turn for Jen and her family. After months of tests, Jen’s five year old son Eshan was diagnosed with a chromozone disorder - neurofibromatosis  or NF-1 – on New Year’s Day.

The reason that Jen and her husband had taken Eshan for tests – was because he was losing his sight – and it turned out that their little boy had a tumour on his optic nerve. Having NF-1 means that Eshan will be susceptible to internal tumours throughout his life.

Facing such a diagnosis has been heart-breaking, but as Jen says in her interview: “as a mum, you can surprise yourself … you find strength somewhere. You have to keep going to look after your family.”

Jen started running regularly a few years ago after completing the Couch to 5k with a running group. But it has taken on a new significance since Eashan’s diagnosis.

Jen says it has been her running through this period that has given her strength… “a pause button” on a very stressful and emotional time.  She says that without it, she would be in a very dark place.

Whilst Eshan is having chemo, Jen has committed to run 100k a month. She also ran the Great North Run last year, raising £5,000 for her son’s oncology award.

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Eating disorder, becoming a mum…and running

Ep5, S2 - Why Run podcast - 1 January 2023

Trigger warning - please note there are references to eating disorders and eating disorder behaviours in this interview.

Vicki developed an eating disorder - anorexia in 2011.  This was a particularly busy and stressful year for her with lots of changes going on in her life. She moved area, she got married, she started a new job and she struggled to cope with all the changes. Initially, restricting her eating and focusing upon food gave Vicki  a sense of control over her life, but it wasn’t long before she realised the eating disorder was controlling her and not the other way round.

Vicki struggled with her eating disorder for seven years with it resurfacing after the birth of each of her two children and in 2017 she was diagnosed with anorexia. Fortunately she was able to access excellent support and received treatment as a day patient at a specialist eating disorder service.

1n 2019, Vicki decided to start running. Her family were concerned that it could be a new purging activity to control her weight, but instead, it has transformed her life. It’s given her strength, a sense of fulfilment and friendship through her running group the Chippenham Harriers.

This year, Vicki says, life came full circle when she ran her first marathon – the  London Marathon – raising funds for Oxford Health, the charity that supports the specialist eating disorder service where Vicki was treated.

This is a particularly poignant interview for me, for as some of you know, I had an eating disorder and was bulimic during much of my teens and 20s and this is referenced in the interview...because we do share common ground in some ways. And like Vicki, running is a key part of my relationship with my body today – but in a really positive way. 

Instagram @vickidoesnotlikehills

Friendship and running - Episode 7

Series One - Why Run? podcast - 5th May 2022

Steve used to belong to a running club, but always came last, which left him feeling humiliated and lonely, even though he went on to run a marathon and numerous other races. So during lockdown, he decided to set up a new group, Norwich Social Joggers, and it has now grown to over 200 members.  

At Norwich Social Joggers, it’s all about meeting new friends and having fun.  

Steve started running in 2015 and then joined Norwich Road Runners with his ex-partner. “We’d go twice a week. Monday was beginners’ night  and I preferred Mondays as I had someone to run with. I was left alone on other nights, left behind in the cold and humiliated, while the rest of group were way up the road.”  

Eventually Steve did really getting in to it and in 2018-19, he signed up for 10ks and then a half marathon and the Brighton Marathon in 2018. “It became a bit addictive, even though I wasn’t a fast runner.”

In December 2019, Steve separated from his partner and then the running club closed during COVID in March 2020. 

In lockdown, Steve had lots of spare time and was off work for 7-8 weeks. And while he was out jogging with friends, they joked that it would be good to have our own little group. 

Steve designed a running top and started a Facebook Group. “I was putting lot of work in to it and was waiting for the moment when we got the green light and could go ahead.”  

The plan was to be a social jogging group – rather than a running club. “We’d invite anyone struggling to get out for a run, struggling with their mental health and well-being – for anyone who, like myself,  wanted to go for a social jog without worrying about being competitive and how fast they were running.”

At NSJ, people like the chit-chat, making new friends, and the socialising part afterwards.” It’s just more relaxed. We don’t have anyone coming back and bragging about their times,” explains Steve. “We’re just there for the running. As long as they start and finish, they’re happy. 

 Some members have been referred through the NHS or local mental health groups. The group also has serious competitive runners.

 “We’ve got people who come and run just for the social aspect. They’ve never had a social life like this. Lot of people like the social side just as much, if not more than the running.” 

 The most heart-warming moment for Steve was when the members  took over Norwich FC’s ground at Carrow Rd. They organised for there to be a picture of Steve on the screens and for the touchline boards all to say “Thank you Steve”. “It was unbelievable”, he smiles. 

Steve knew there was a gap in the running clubs for something like Norwich Social Joggers, but it’s success has surpassed his expectations. They now hold charity quiz nights, Easter fun runs, Christmas fun runs and Halloween runs – all in fancy dress.  

“At the moment, I just live for Norwich Social Joggers,” said Steve. “I get so much out of it. It’s given me an extended social life. I like to keep busy. I’m not one for sitting in front of the telly. Now it’s a busy weekend, every weekend. It’s done everyone a lot of good with their mental health and well-being, including me.” 

Adoption and running - Episode 6

 Series One - Why Run? podcast - 27th April 2022

At school, Denise enjoyed sport, particularly sprinting and netball, but didn’t start running until her friend needed a running companion to help her train for events. Denise obliged and has kept running from there. She set herself targets like 10Ks and eventually did a marathon with a group of friends that she met up regularly with on a Sunday morning. Until then, running was never something Denise considered doing. “You just didn’t see people out running” But once she started, Denise loved it. 

“I loved the freedom, the fact that I was my own boss and could run when it suited me. I liked the incremental gains and got a real buzz from the transition of running tentatively on a treadmill in a gym to running outside.” 

Over the last ten years, a lot has changed in Denise’s life. The main thing being parenthood and becoming a mum. “I’ve always been fiercely independent and I made a decision to be a parent as single person and adopted my son when he was three years old. He’s now 11 and a half.” 

When you adopt a child you go through a huge amount of checks, which require a lot of  soul-searching. “You’ve got to really ask yourself if you’re ready and yet, you can’t really answer that, as you never know what your child will have been through. 

As an incredibly independent person, Denise had to learn really quickly how to reach out for help. “Adoptive children don’t fit the mould (in huge inverted commas) of how children are supposed to behave. You, as a parent, have to be prepared to shoulder that and support them. Your role as an adoptive parent can be incredibly challenging, but also incredibly rewarding.” 

“It was a massive handbrake turn,” for Denise becoming an adoptive parent. “I went from being a person on her own, doing her own thing, calling her own shots, to having another person with a huge set of issues that I had to contend with.” 

Denise says that her son was “ already a fully-formed individual”, when she adopted him. “There’s a perception that adoptive children come very young – like a blank sheet – and that just isn’t the case. There are very few babes-in-arms available for adoption, it’s just not that common. Children will have been through separation and trauma attached to that and that’s a hard thing for anyone to deal with. But we’re good. He’s am amazing boy and I don’t know what my life was like before I was his mum. It’s a completely different life.” 

When Denise first adopted her son, there wasn’t time to run.“Running is an emotional support, but at that time, my mind didn’t have bandwidth to do anything other than focusing upon what was in front of me.  It was good few years into us forming a family before I could restart running. When I felt I could run round block if he was at a birthday party or leave him for an hour if he was at a sleepover – which didn’t happen for a long time before as a family we weren’t ready to do that  – then I would use the time to go for a run.” 

Denise inched very gently into reconnecting with running again. “And once I started, I realised how much I’d missed it and started craving it again. I realised how much it meant to me. 

“It’s about being outdoors and having that space to set my own agenda. I would replay conversations or think about how I would approach a situation that would be happening later in the day. It  became a really much needed avenue for me to be able to do that, although it took a while to get into rhythm. 

 “It’s only recently that I’ve been able to run for longer periods of time.  As we’ve grown as a family, my son’s recognised that running is important to me, it’s my happy place. It’s part of who we are now.”

Lockdown was particularly crazy for Denise. At the  start of early 2021, she had surgery on her foot and was on crutches when everyone went into lockdown. “I  couldn’t go anywhere, but noticed so many more people out running and thought, ‘I need to be doing that’.” Post-surgery, little goals and targets became really important for Denise

During lockdown, Denise’s friend Tasha set up Black Girls Do Run UK (BGDRUK). A group of 8-10 women in the North West London region (there are other groups across London and elsewhere)  supported each other and in April 2021, ran a virtual half marathon together. “We have an active What’s App group and share runs and posts with each other and we get together periodically. We’re all different levels, but join some races together. We look out for each other and it’s great to have that support.”  

As a single parent, working from home during lockdown, Denise’s world felt very narrow. 

“Interaction vanished, so having the (BGDRUK) virtual group was a massive boost for me. I don’t think I realised how important it was to me at the time, but I don’t think I’d have entered races or put myself through those challenges if I hadn’t got other women doing same thing. It made a huge difference. It made me feel so much more connected. Some of the other women in the group are single carers, or work with children . We all share different elements of ourselves, but what unites us, is getting out there and our love of running. 

Denise says, there’s a lot of give and take in her family. She says there are times when her son needs her and doesn’t want her to run, which is fine, but “there’s also moments when you need to find something you can hold on to that anchors you - and for me - running has been that.” 

Denise says that the last two years have been a “crazy period” for her. “There were lots of things happening at the same time as the menopause decided to kick in . I’m now coming up to 54, but things really started happening around 49-50. ‘Here we go’, I thought, as I could feel the emotional toil it had on my instantly. I’ve always been someone who is measured in my approach and how I sit with things. But I just couldn’t deal with things. My mind was completely foggy. I couldn’t emotionally hold on to anything at all. It was like I was struggling to get a grip.”

This coincided with lockdown and children being home-schooled. “Children being out of school will be a lot spoken about for many years to come. But for someone who is a looked after child and craves certainty,” lockdown caused massive disruption and uncertainty for Denise’s son. 

“It  had a huge, huge impact upon my son – which we’re still dealing with actually. It caused a lot of upset and uproar. That would be fine if you were dealing with it with a full emotional deck, but if you’re already feeling a little bit worn down and not operating at full tilt that was incredibly difficult”.

“That physical release, that I was able to experience when I ran, was invaluable.  I was not necessarily running as far or as fast  or doing anything at the level of intensity that I had done – but carving out moments of time to go for a run,  was a massive, massive help for me. There were moments when it was almost as though I couldn’t see straight. I was so overwhelmed with stuff going on…and running allowed me some space...to breathe again.”

Things are a lot more settled now and Denise has lots of other things in place to help her. “Connecting with people running has been a big part of that

“I do see and acknowledge how important having that moment of mental clarity for 15 mins at best has been for me. Having moments for myself, really really helped my menopause symptoms physically and emotionally…but also with all the other stuff that was swimming around too. really benefited from it.  

“I know not all people feel same. Putting yourself through something that is physically difficult may not seem like a remedy, but actually, it’s a reminder that we’re capable of doing hard things, but also, that we need to look after ourselves. And that was the message that kept coming back to me every time I went for a run. That it was important to be looking after myself.

“The menopause symptoms are now under control and I’m sleeping. I didn’t have a good night’s sleep for a year. I was just not able to close my eyes. Sleep deprived and on edge is not the best way to tackle any day, but especially one that is going to be coming with a whole set of challenges that you have no idea how you’re meant to be dealing with.” 

Denise has now started taking HRT which has really helped her and given her room to sleep at night and helped check her mood swings.  

When asked for advice for potential adoptive parents, Denise says that everyone approaches the idea for different reasons. “I wasn’t in a steady relationship . I think if you’ve got room in your heart to even consider what you could give as a parent, then its definitely worth considering. 

“Adoption comes with its own challenges and those will be different for each child, based upon the child you parent. When going through the adoption process, you look through a catalogue of children – it’s almost like an Argos catalogue of children – all who’ve been through these awful experiences that you’ve really no idea how you’d deal with. And  one…or two…or whatever… will jump out at you. And when they do, you absolutely know it. I remember seeing my son’s pic and just knowing he was going to be my son. It was really difficult coming away from that feeling. It came so strongly, that I had to honour it.  

“What I would say to anyone considering adoption is to trust your feelings – whatever path that takes you on – because they invariably will be right. Know that it will be hard, and get your support network sorted. Have in your mind who you would ask for the different types of things that you’ll need. Who would you go to just to rant at? Who would you go to for the practical help me out now support? Who would you go to for parenting advice about schools? You’ll have different people you turn to for  those issues – not just one. Sometimes it’ll just be the person you can  go for a glass of wine with and not talk about children at all. That’ll really help you out. But be prepared to ask for help and be willing to accept it. I’m a single carer, but I’m not a single parent. I’ve learnt to ask for help. 

When asked to advise would be runners, Denise said: “Those thinking about running should start small and you should set your own private goal. Couch to 5k is a great programme ,but might be you just want to jog for a minute. So set your own private goal and build up gradually. Don’t need to have all the kit. You just need  to realise there are so many other beginners out there – nobody’s looking for you to set any records. Set your own goal and work slowly and you never know where it might lead you. 

“For me, running is about space for me to think and reflect and process what is going on in a really crazy life. I think it’s finding that moment in the day to just look after myself mentally and physically. There are other ways that other people choose to do it, but for me running, being able to move, being outdoors, being able to really appreciate what my body can do, and allowing myself that space to just reflect is just a massive, massive help for me and running gives me that”.  

Gambling and running - Episode 5

Series One - Why Run? podcast - 15th April 2022

Graham joined the army when he was 23 and started running then. At this time, he says he had a “love-hate” relationship with running, as everything about the training was outside his control: how far he went, what pace he went, what weight pack he had to carry etc. 

 Graham was in the army for five years and had postings to Germany and Afghanistan before being demobbed. Looking back, Graham now says that he was “a horrible person” at this time. “I used to scoff at the unfit ones. I think I put myself on a bit of a pedestal, because I was stupidly fit”.

 Graham ran his first half marathon soon after and achieved a personal best, which he’s never matched since, despite dedicated training in recent years. “It’s mad, as at this time, I was drinking, smoking and didn’t even have the right trainers,” he laughs.

Graham first started gambling in the army, playing poker with his friends. It was when he started playing on his own against other people in the world and then later, against the computer that “things got really out of hand, really quickly” says Graham and he ended up with debts of several thousand pounds. When he opened up to his wife, Amanda, about what he’d done though, she bailed him out, and Graham said he’d stop gambling.

 After moving house though, Graham entered a self destructive phase. “I was gambling, I was cheating and I was not a nice person to be around.” Graham found some companionship in gambling, as he didn’t have any friends in the area they’d moved to.

When Graham was a child, he was bullied, and the determination, discipline and sheer bloody-mindedness he possesses - and used to overcome earlier difficulties in life - were a double-edged sword. With gambling, they made him refuse to quit.

“I got into a big, big hole,” he explains. “I’m quite good at poker, but when you’re playing on a computer, against a computer, you don’t realise that it’s rigged. You end up chasing losses. I started playing the fruit machines to make up some money, and that’s when things got really bad. That’s the devil’s work. It’s evil. My money vanished in seconds.”

 Graham lost thousands of pounds. The Government has now outlawed gambling on credit cards, but at this time, he was able to build up thousands of pounds worth of debt on different credit cards to fund has gambling addiction. 

“When you’re paid a good wage like I am, they just threw credit cards at me, I didn’t buy anything though, it all just went in to the ether.” 

At this stage, Graham was chasing losses constantly and he was bouncing money off from one credit card to pay another. “It’s not the way to go at all and it took me to a very dark place.”

 In desperation, Graham tried to drive his car into a truck, but stopped at the final moment and didn’t go through with it, as he thought what would happen to the poor truck driver. Instead, he pulled off the motorway and phoned the Samaritans. Eventually after about half an hour he got through and the man said: “Go home, and tell everything to your wife.” Graham went home and confessed about all his self-destructive behaviour, which included affairs and nastiness - as well as his gambling.

 After few months, Graham felt frustrated that his wife had sorted everything out and tried gambling again and it was then that Graham’s wife kicked him out - unable to take anymore . 

 Graham then called Gamcare, who stopped all his cards and he signed up for five years to stop him gambling. They also put him on to counselling straight away. He was £40,000 in debt and in one-to-one sessions, Graham learnt so much about why he felt like he did and why he did what he did. He talked about what had happened in his childhood, and then later on in his life, and it made him realise that once he understood the reasons why he gambled, it would help him stop. Counselling opened Graham’s eyes to many thngs, but mainly his refusal to quit. 

In counselling, Graham saw an advert for CALM – the Campaign Against Living Miserably – which is aimed predominantly at men. He got in contact and ran his first marathon for them. 

 Graham says he’s now 100 per cent a different person. He now embraces his bloody-mindedness but points it toward something positive and says it has made him more rounded, made him feel better about himself and forgive himself. 

 Graham now runs ultra runs, crazy challenges and marathons to raise money for charities. “I have a gift and I use it for good. I can go the other way, but what a bloody waste.”

 Running in the mountains keeps Graham grounded and allows him time to think and his mind to wander. “Nowadays we don’t allow ourselves time to be calm and rest. We’ve got everything coming at us constantly: the telly, the phone, the tablet. If you give yourself time and let nature do it’s things, it’s amazing especially when I go to Brecon Beacons. My wife laughs that she’s going to bury me there.” 

  Graham still plays a game of cards with his friends in the house, but he won’t bet online. “I can live now with losing a pound or a fiver, but I’m not putting my house or my life or anything else at risk.”