Body shape and not running
How do you cope when you can’t run? Do you get fidgety, low moods or do you just get on with some other activity quite happily? I miss running. I miss the routine. I miss the way it helps me to clear my mind. I miss the connection I feel to my body through running, which makes me more appreciative of my health.
It’s been six weeks since I last ran due to a foot injury and, on the whole, I’ve managed well. It’s actually given me an opportunity to follow through on some other activities that I enjoy like: longer dog walks; writing; riding my bike (first time after a long break); and gardening.
However, this week, I have struggled. We all have demons that have the potential to surface when we’re experiencing changes to our routine or when we are feeling stressed, and this has definitely been happening to me recently. For when I was younger, I really struggled with my body image and food. “Good foods”, “bad foods”, starvation diets, followed by binges, followed by purges – this yo-yo existence and single-minded focus upon my body shape ruled my world. Bulimia is a wretched illness that robbed me of so much self-worth and happiness for many years. When I look back on this time of my life now, I have an overwhelming sense of sadness and shame.
It upsets and angers me greatly that these issues are just as relevant today as they were 20-30 years ago. Only this week, pop rebel Billie Eilish described her relationship with her body image as being a “truly terrible horrible thing”. And as we all know, she is not alone. In fact, I’m sure almost every woman in western culture has had some issues with their body shape at some time or other. Thank God, feelings like those are now largely designated to the past for me.
Through recovery, I have learnt to accept my body and finally, through running, I’ve actually learnt to love it.
When I started jogging four years ago, it felt like the final piece in my recovery puzzle had been put into place. My relationship with my body now is so much more complex than it used to be. Rather than just coming to terms with my body shape, running has given me strength and confidence. I feel a true connection to my body’s capabilities and marvel at the way my body functions to keep me healthy. These values are so much more important than worrying about the size of my thighs. The liberation this has brought me has been immeasurable. I so wish I’d discovered running 20 or more years ago.
But like anyone who has experienced mental health difficulties, the negative thoughts, the self-criticism – can sometimes resurface. This week, I’ve found myself struggling with some of my old eating disorder thinking. Alarm bells started ringing the other day when I went in to a café for a coffee and a cake. They had the calorie content of every item on the menu chalked up in large figures on a blackboard – a disastrous and triggering approach for anyone with food issues and I found myself thinking, “Well as I’m not running at the moment, I’ll get an black Americano rather than a cappuccino and one of the lower calorie cakes”. And yesterday, I could feel myself getting anxious about my body size – even though my clothes fit me as comfortably as they did when I was running.
You may well say, quite rightly, that these are very minor experiences. In fact for many women, these feelings are a part of normal, everyday life. That doesn’t make them healthy thoughts though and, in my case, that is missing the point completely. For when these feelings occur, it has far less to do with the rational, reality of the situation, than the level of anxiety and upset that they cause me. These are warnings signs, albeit very small ones, that I need to get this eating disorder gremlin by the scruff of the neck and banish it back to the trash can at the earliest opportunity.
As any of you out there on a journey through addiction, mental illness or struggles know – recovery is rarely linear. It definitely gets easier as the days, months and years go by, but there are always times when we get overwhelmed, fall back on old bad habits or just struggle to cope with change. And it can happen many years after we’ve ‘recovered’. For those old brain synapse pathways still have the ability, on occasions, to reroute and return to our old ways of thinking if we’re not vigilant. For me, getting back on track can be as simple as making an effort for a couple of days to return to intuitive eating – eating consciously. This means making an effort to cook and enjoy what I really want to eat and stopping when I’m full.
And just getting out the house more often.
Putting my thoughts in to words and writing this blog today has also helped.
So has listening to a podcast about eating disorder recovery (I would definitely recommend Finding Your Freedom With Food by Harriet Frew).
For my friend Sarah, who featured on the first episode of Why Run? and is a recovering alcoholic, it is making sure she reflects upon her day each evening and expresses gratitude for her sobriety and all the good things in her life. We all have our individual ways of being kind and taking care of ourselves. The most important thing is to be aware, to identify those negative thoughts when they occur and to either challenge them robustly or to distract ourselves diligently.
I can’t wait to get back to jogging - to feel more connected to my body and to feel its strength and stamina sustain me on my run. It’s still a couple of weeks ‘til I reach this point, but my foot is getting better and I’ll be there soon. Meanwhile, I’m going to do my best to enjoy the many other aspects of life I can appreciate while I’m injured. I am trying to live as consciously as I can for the next few days until I get back on track. I have started doing some Pilates stretches and that has helped me reconnect with my body again (should have started weeks ago).
Also on the agenda is to go to a café again sometime soon when I fancy something sweet and to pick out a cake I really want to eat, rather than the one with fewest calories. And I’ll take my time and enjoy every mouthful too!